Every now and again it’s important to have those “what was I thinking,” slap yourself upside the head moments.
My latest (in a continuing series) comes partly out of the final tone of yesterday’s 6 month post. It feels so inflatedly “I’m so awesome” to me in retrospect. But there’s something else in there that worries me more.
Why did I feel compelled to mix pearls with kitty litter? There’s some really great moments that get mentioned in there, alongside stuff that, while potentially entertaining, isn’t really worth spending time on. In some cases, like the Superman thing, I presented something that’s important in an almost degrading light. (On the up side, Supes will surely get his own post in a few weeks, unless it gets buried by the million other things that present themselves.)
For one part, it’s me being me, but it feels like I’m pushing too hard… like in the end I’m hiding, defying anyone to read the genuinely cool stuff by burying it in garbage. (And I seem to have this fascination about writing bullets all wrong, what’s up with that?) I mean, the thing about my Dad is really great news. It’s like when he came with us to church at Thanksgiving. Well, no, the Thanksgiving thing’s “too good for a public blog” flavor of good. (It’s the kind of disclosure that makes people feel uncomfortable if they don’t somehow earn it first, if that makes sense.)
Coming back to the bravado idea… it’s one of my top hiding places. It’s funny in a way, because when I’m genuinely comfortable with people, I get a bit obnoxious, talk smack, play guilt jokes, but that’s after we’ve developed enough confidence that they know that when I’m acting like a jerk, it’s an act, and I’ll return to normal once the moment passes. When I hide in my bravado place, I think I really just alienate people. At those moments the act is the gregarious part of it, somewhere underneath it I’m pushing people away… and people that do that suck.
So there’s the key item to work out for the next 6 month plan. Keep the gregarious and fun loving stuff that’s true to being me, lose the obnoxiousness that I throw around it at times to pretend that I’m not afraid to let people know me. I don’t do it all the time, and some people end up on the receiving end of it more than others. But it needs to stop across the board. It’s one thing to be full of yourself for comedic effect, it’s another to beat other people with it. At that point you only prove that you really only have room in your life for yourself.
Okay, head slapped, working out where I’ve gone wrong… time to go about fixing it and being better.